(above pic says: Faith is seeing light with your heart when all your eyes see is darkness)
i believe Faith is misunderstood by many
Having Faith, in Christ, regardless of circumstances, is a gift.
Do you want it?
i never thought my faith would ever shake
it was a scary time for me.
i began to ask Elohim why!
i would say, in my heart,” Lord, You know what is going on, i do not. I do not understand it at all. This is why i need You.”
This is why i pray for these days.
i pray for others, in crisis and i know them not!
i pray to not fall in the same trap.
For i have already witnessed other weaknesses in self, unforseen, the depths of it.
My Faith having earthquakes was in a weird way, welcomed…for i never understood others lack of Faith.
Yet here i was, questioning mine.
From past experiences, in other areas of weakness, i withdrew…as in i lightened my load.
I re-exaimined what Faith meant to me, what Christ meant to me.
Why am i under spiritual attack in this area?
Why am i experiencing negative thoughts/feelings just thinking about reading the Bible?
i never had this problem before, why now?
It came to me that i was out of my mind.
Instead of doubting my Faith, i doubled down on the Bible.
i was saying to myself, ” You got problems reading the Bible? Just thinking about it?
Okay then, take this (verse), take that (verse) and that!…”
i began listening to the Bible more than once a day!
imaging the whole time, the demonic spirit thrashing around in death throws, screaming, instead of focusing on my (?) feelings, of the moment.
i drowned it, sufocated it, in my minds eye, remembering, saying, “Faith is not a feeling.” while listening, drawing, (the Bible) talking to Elohim, to Yeshua, to the Holy Spirit!
i became inventive in ways to incorporate the Bible into myself, besides reading it.
i did it regardless of how painful it was.
Hallelujah it wasn’t for long.
i became very angry that the devoid even tried!
to attack me here! at one of my pillars of Faith!
it was WWF in here ya’ll! 😀
i took the Word in, imaging a huge score on the enemy, with every verse!
i recorded my Favorite parts, Psalms (my faves are the ones that drew me), in my own voice.
Wrote them down and took them with me, whenever i left the house.
Reading them instead of talking to anyone.
i whispered/murmured them, while i read.
Not caring if i seemed crazier than usual, i am fighting for my life here!
The discomfort died quickly, not fast enough for me.
i remembered to not believe these ‘weird’ feelings were mine.
i fought them like the foreign entity they are.
Many make the mistake of believing everything we ‘feel’ is from ourselves, that it is you, who is feeling it.
Like feelings are reality.
Feelings may come and go.
it is up to us which ‘feelings’ we choose to act on!
i remembered, “Faith is unseen. Faith is things ‘hoped for’!”
and i remembered it is a verse in the Bible, while i said it!
Another death toll to the enemy.
Thanking the Holy Spirit, even now.
Knowing He was answering my prayers.
Knowing He is with me the entire time.
Knowing it is Him, who was strangling, drowning, attacking, angry that ‘they’ even dared to cross my threshold!
My Daughter’s threshold.
The Angel’s of the Lord were fighting for me , through me!
as i read the same verses over and over.
Desperate i was.
Those Psalms are even more precious now.
i remembered why David was so tortured in these Psalms.
i saw myself the same way.
feeling shame that i didn’t do this earlier.
didn’t fight earlier
for even believing once that, that derision, was mine.
i apologized to the Holy Spirit
recognizing even as i write this,
accepting my part in this
(i cry for you all…if you feel it too -Lecrae Cry For You )
i am human too.
that i need You more than ever.
for taking down my superhero image
for draping me, covering me, with Your Eagles wings.
For being with me as i lost my mind.
Keeping me strong.
For not alowing it to go unpunished for trespassing.
(told you, You Are Mine)
For even daring to come between us.
i pray(ed) that i keep You, beyond my last breath, no matter what happens, incoherently You.
if any part of my body functions, no matter how dysfunctional it may be, let every bit of it, be You.
Like Elijah’s bones.
May Thou be with me even then.
You are My Sanity, My Life.
i am brain dead without Thee.
Allow my body, absent of my mind, to only be used for You, oh Lord.
May ‘they’ never seperate us, even if i loose my mind, every last vestiage of humanity….
i cannot lose, will not lose, as long as i have You.
For You are my humanity.
(and yes, the Chicago Mass Choir song came to mind!)
all of this, reminders from the Holy Spirit.
My Faith, You are.
A simultaneous ty and wow! 😀
Hallelujah ! 😀